*sigh* why do i put faith into things that aren't faithful..?

If i say it once i say it again...why do i put faith into things that aren't faithful...
i been saying this a lot lately...."i'm losing faith in men" and i feel its true sadly..

Most men in my dating age range seem to either be married, so fuked up from gettin
hurt by other women they can't feel any longer,or really really good at playin you...

Is there any real men left? This is tha question swirling around in my mind i'm tierd of games..
and people who claim to not play games yet thats all they do...its sad that you can't just
trust people and believe what they say.

I know it sounds wack but i can respect a man who says what his true intentions are
no matter how filthy they maybe...then its up to me as a women if i want to engage in that drama

LOL not high on my list of priorities you know...But that guy who tells you what you wanna hear
and then treats you like shit WTF is that shit??? pretty cowardly...and sometimes i feel like
more of a man than many men i talk too..Cuz i don't lead people on its wack!
anyways i'm done bitching n complaining LMAO!!! shieeettt off to bed..

My First BLog...Meeting tha EX's new LOVE...

So this is my first blog and i can thank LatinaBeatz aka alexis for getting me into this =)

I jus want to talk out in tha open about some things that are going on...My Ex aka
baby daddy is going to take my kids to his place while i spend 2 weeks in california...
no big deal i'm not even trippin on that i think its great they hardly get to see him..
haven't since november and it won't b untill March when he does see them...why its such
a long period inbetween visits is beyond me...

so he asks me "you want to meet her" refering to his New love whom he told me he "thinks i love her" wtf is that? Either you do or you dont' HAHA so wutever! So i'm like sure i will meet her..
and up untill this point i have only seen her once and she did not see me...she wasn't what i expected she was kinda large i have nothing against large people but she was not like me...weird short hair wit these blonde things hanging down and many facial piercings of course i am mentally picking her apart...i was with him since i was 17 years old and in highschool untill i was 28 thats a long MF time to spend wit one dude.

i'm feeling kinda weird about it not jelous of her...maybe a little jelous that he's found love and
someone he can hold nightly in his arms while i sleep alone in bed and take care of our children without much of a break or much of a social life which is probabley why i'm blogging right now LOL FUK!

so yea its a month away yet i find it resurfacing in my thoughts frequently i will b nothing but polite to her b/c tha kids like her and in tha end thats all that matters to me b/c they tell me if they don't like someone or something...

i found myself talking outloud about this whole thing on tha phone today and almost broke down in tears so i'm wondering what that means...i know i'm over him but when i went there and thought about it all unwinding and the end...i guess i just felt it all over again and i can't really write lyrics about it all getting fuked up and my heart being smashed into a thousand pieces that i thought i'd never b able to pick up...so blogging these feelings will make me feel better and make more sense of tha insanity lol.

I had a dream before i left him in tha end...he was chaseing me thro cafes and things like in tha streets of NY and i was trying to get away from him...i jumped in a stolen car and went to push tha gas and my foot slid off tha petal and i could jus narrowly escape him..two weeks before i left him i had this dream and it was not premeditated...we had a blow out and it was spur of tha moment he wouldn't fight to keep me anymore he had given up on me...

but tha dream..i've never dremt of him hurting me or me trying to flee him...tho i have many persueing dreams it leaves me wondering...

2 years before i left him i had a vivid dream of me and him being divorced n he came for our sons bday party n brought his new gurl in my dream she was blonde. tha party was @ my mothers house and her house was a lot bigger n nicer than it is now and somehow it was related to me... and i was angry about tha gurl cuz still being married to him @ tha time and have a way of controlling my dream so i had sex in tha shower wit him in my dream and she came in and opened tha curtain...was not angry she was hurt...it was a weird weird dream.....i woke in tears totally upset....thought that could never be my future...now i'm single...our kid is tha age in tha dream almost...and now i'm having to meet her....i'm wondering whats next...


-teek